My wife left me

Let's be clear... we didn't have a difference of opinion, we didn't have issues we couldn't resolve.  One Friday morning 5 weeks ago, I had a nightmare.  In that dream, my wife was was mad at me.  She had written me a letter, but as dreams go, I couldn't read the words.

I woke up... my wife wasn't in in our bed.  This wasn't surprising.  I snore.  She often slept in the guest bedroom.  For the last 6 months she had almost every night.  I suppose this was a red flag.  But I asked her... is this a thing.  Should I be worried.  Of course not, she said, its just the snoring.  I believed her. And why wouldn't I?  Most nights she went to bed with me and snuggled.  And in the morning, she'd bring me coffee and get in bed and snuggle some more.  Sometimes, sex would happen.  So she slept in a different bed... it didn't seem weird at the time.

I told her about the dream.  She knew about my chronic vivid bad dreams.  She said, I'm sorry your dreams are so awful.  I felt better.  I went out and smoked a cigarette.  When I came back she was starting to make herself lunch.   She asked if I needed lunch, but I told her I would going out with a co-worker for lunch.  She smiled, and said, good.  She grabbed my face, squeezed my cheeks, and gave me a kiss on the mouth.  She did that sometimes... I found it endearing.

I went to work.  It was what it was.  Not a great day, not an awful one either.  I came home, i believed that she would be getting her hair done after work, so I wasn't expecting her to be there.  I was kind of in the mood for a good martini.  The best martinis are those I make my self, I've invested time and effort into perfecting that.  I was thinking that I'd make myself one, and make one for her.  Not a martini for her, but her favorite cocktail:  a Gin Daisy.  A sugar bomb consisting of Gin, Grenadine, Simple Syrup, Lime Juice, served with a an orange wheel.  I have spent a lot of time perfecting that drink too.

But that never happened.  I got home from work and things were not right. Furniture was out of place, things were missing.  My first thought was maintenance had been in for some reason and fucked things up... but no.  Things were missing.  Had I been robbed?  No.  Her stuff was missing.  I rushed to the bedroom and the walk in closet, I hadn't been robbed, I'd been abandoned.

I looked around, as though I'd find anything that made this make sense.  She was gone.  No Note, no clue.  But there were a little silver jewelry box on the island in the kitchen.

I opened it.

And found her engagement ring.

I had trouble breathing.

This wasn't Possible.

We were married for god's sake.

I called her.

The number you have dialed cannot be reached.

I emailed her.

This email address does not exist.

I emailed her work address.

This email cannot be sent because this address is no longer valid.

I died.

I mean, my heart was still beating, my lungs still drew breath.

But my wife was gone and I couldn't reach her.

I panicked.  I hyperventilated.  I looked for clues... like this was a fucking Scooby Doo Mystery.  There were none.

I called her best friend that I could think of.  I work with her.  I put on my calm work voice and said to her voice mail, "Hi, it's Jeckles, from work.  Can you give a call, when you get a chance?"

I called my folks.  I told them what I saw.  I admitted that I had blown it again.

I called my buddy.  Why didn't I call him first?  I don't know.  Panic ruins logic.  He told me he'd be over.  I asked why.  He said, you can't be alone right now.

Her friend called me back.  I think she assumed there was a work issue.  I asked her if she had talked to my wife.  The tone of her voice after that makes me believe she didn't know anything.

Nobody did.  My wife vanished without a goddamn trace.

That weekend was a blur.

Lots of trying to call/email/text.  Lots of googling.  Lots of asking questions.

Monday afternoon I got an email from a lawyer, stating that my wife had voluntarily moved out and that I'd be responsible for utilities from here on out.

At the moment, I thought shit was as bad as it could get,   But I didn't understand at that time what my depth of grief would be.

Earlier this week I signed the papers that will start the divorce process.  I still haven't heard anything from her.  I don't know why this happened.  All the lawyer can or will tell me is that she is safe and she doesn't want to be married to you anymore.  So I signed the fucking papers.  What real choice did I have?  She didn't ask for a damn thing.  She just wants to be vanished from my life.

This is not the story.  It is only the background.  I don't fully understand the story yet.  I'm still living it.

My wife left me.  And she ruined my life.