Numb

I guess I am getting better.

I no longer am shocked a few minutes after waking up that this is real.

I'm making plans.  I'm doing things.

There is still a haze over everything,  But I think maybe the small moments of normalcy are getting to be longer moments and maybe more frequent.

I care less about the unanswered questions.  That is not to say that I don't play them through my mind regularly, it is just that it is no longer an obsession.

Perhaps I care less about everything.  I swear I used to be passionate about things, but I haven't felt that in 6 weeks.

I think I'm numb.

I still don't know what the go forward looks like.

I worry that maybe I'll never have sex again.  That thought bothers me a lot.

I'm serious, these people who claim to be happy and independent and don't need a relationship... how do they get laid?  Do they not care about that either?  Cause I've never not cared about that.

And sex aside, the happy and independent people who seem to post on social media all of their exiting solo adventures, are they having fun?  Don't they want to turn to someone and say wow that was great.  Don't they want to reminisce with some one about the fun they had?  What they saw and did?  Hear from that some else's perspective and gaining a greater experience in the process?

I don't get it.  And I don't think any matter of time will change that piece.

For example, I have no problem running alone.  By definition, it is a very solo excessive.  But even if I'm running 5 miles and beating my own time and pace, it is a very different experience than running a 5k race.  The exciting and energy of the event, the shared-ness of it making it a whole other thing.  Almost all of the people participating know that they will not place.  They are there for their own achievement.  So why sign up and pay?  Because sharing the experience makes it more real.

At least that's make take on it.

Today is 6 weeks.  It feels so much longer than that.

I'm doing better, but I'm not good.