Unresolved

I wish I could tell you, or even tell myself, what the worst part of this is.

But I honestly don't know.

Everything I wrote yesterday is true.  Yet, I feel a strong desire to fix this.

There is no closure.  I hate where I am.  So my instinct is to fix it.

But I can't.  I mean, I don't have anyway to communicate with her.  I already signed the damned papers.  I would never ever be able to trust her again, even if she came back with open arms.  Which she won't, her intentions are clear, even if her motivation is not.

And I shouldn't.  As I've replayed the last six months, hell the last few years, it is becoming clear to me how negative she was.  It was subtle.  I honestly didn't notice it in real time.  The small criticisms, of me, of our friends, of my work and hers, of my son... they were pervasive.  Just small statements, offered as observations.

They were a drag on everything.  I'm kind of a high stress guy.  I take on a lot, at home and at work.  But I've always felt it was worth it.  If you want the most out of life, you've got to put a lot in to it.  Still, I feel like I'm a positive person.  I spent a lot of time, trying to offset that negativity.  To say, well, look at it from their perspective, or I see that, but here's the positive in the situation.

And I think she hated that.  I think she believed I was minimizing how she felt, but I wasn't.  I was trying to help her see that things aren't that bad.

And perhaps I was wrong.  Maybe things are that bad, and I'm an idiot for not thinking so.

I want to fix this, but I can't and I shouldn't.  Some of my friends would tell me, I should put that energy into fixing myself.  But that's never how I see the world.  My motivation has always been in others.  I'm better, when I'm making you better.

I'm clearly part of the problem, but I'm not sure how I can be different.  I've had three serious adult relationships in my life.  I'd have done anything for any of those women.   And they all gave up on me.

I solve problems by visualizing a successful outcome and then finding the steps to make it happen.  In my career and as a parent that has worked very well for me.  It sounds simplistic, but it's powerful.  I consider it my main super power.

My problem, right now, is that I can't visualize a successful outcome.  I don't know what that looks like.  I mean I don't have a clue.  I know I'm supposed to move on, and to focus on Jeckles.  But to what end?

To learn to be independent and not need others to make me whole?  To get out there and meet another woman who likely gives up on me too?  To go full midlife crisis and serially date a bunch of young twenty somethings?

All of those have some merit, yes even the last one.  But I can't visualize it.  I don't know how to get from here to there.  Or where there should even be.

So I move from one thing to the next, mechanically with no path and no goal.

Being alone makes me feel like shit.  Being around other people and then feeling like less of a person, because they are fine... and I am not.  That makes me feel like shit, too.  Being at work, and knowing that my head is not in the game... that makes me feel like shit, as well.  Even sleeping is not a reprieve, I toss and turn and have vivid disturbing dreams and wake up feeling like shit.

I've tried real hard to reach out to what ever passes for a support network for me.  I try to stay engaged.  But when I don't reach out, neither do they.  Not my friends, not my co-workers, not my family.  Of course, I've earned that. I'm not the kind of guy who reaches out that often, so people assume that I need my space or something.

I've got too much space and I hate it.

I need to fix this and I can't.