The bad news

You know the cliche... there's good news and there's bad news.  I'm breaking my thoughts into two posts, the bad news and the good news.  And as is custom, I'm giving the bad news first.

Of course, its not really that bad, more like just some negative thoughts.

I've reflected a lot on the last several years of my life.  And I see some things that I hadn't noticed.

I see now that she was pulling away from me.  I see that I let her.  If I was in the mood, I could justify that, by saying that I was being respectful and letting her have her space and that kind of shit.

But we're here to be honest, so let's cut the shit.  I let her, because it was easier.  It was easier to let her sit and do puzzles or read a book and ignore me.  To make matters worse, the more ignored I felt, the more I drank.  Which perhaps, led her to pull away more.  Vicious cycle ensues.

It was easier to pretend that everything was okay.  Maybe something even stronger than pretending.  Something bordering on denial.  It was easier to be wrapped up in whatever shit was on my mind at that moment, than to engage with her.

Engaging with her was not easy.  She kept things in and did not care to let them out.  She resisted having things drawn out.  She shut down more when confronted.  She counter attacked with other unrelated complaints.  Complaints that were not voiced until that moment, to provide cover.

So I allowed myself to believe that we were fine.  That we had settled into some marital status quo.  Not exciting but not awful.  And not real.

I should have engaged.  I don't know if it would have made a difference, but if I were the man that I'd like to believe I am, I should have tried.  And that's on me.

As I look back, way back, I can see a pattern.  Every time there was a moment that the we could have grown closer together, she carefully made some space.  Joint bank accounts?  Nope.  Combine our insurance... or phone plans?  Nope.  My bills and her bills.  I knew that some of these things made good sense financially, but when I brought them up, I got a vague maybe later kind of blow off.

She did the same thing emotionally, but it's hard to describe.  There was a thing that she did that bugged me.  I couldn't put my finger on why it bugged me, but I think I understand now.  Every time I cooked, or I paid for dinner or movies or something, every I drove us some where, she'd thank me.

Thanks for cooking.
Thanks for the movies.
Thanks for driving.

It bugged me because it was unnecessary.  I cooked dinner at least 5 days a week.  Why thank me? It's just part of what I do.

But I think I understand now.  This was never fully permanent for her.  There was always the option, in her mind, that she'd move on.  She didn't see me doing these things as part of a partnership.  She saw them as a favor.  Just like she did me the favor of staying.  Or having sex with me.  Or whatever.

And favors can be withdrawn.

It makes me sad, maybe more for her than for me, that she was incapable of seeing that people just do stuff together and for each other to become a whole greater than its parts.  She never allowed that to happen.  Her stuff and my stuff.  Defined and separate in her mind.  And it seems that the stuff that I thought was our stuff, was just my stuff.  And I was doing her a favor by letting her use it.

And while we are discussing the negative, let's talk about work.

I had a pretty shitty week last week.  Besides the normal not being able to focus as well as I'd like shit, there was some work shit that had nothing to do with my personal shit, that happened and was pretty frustrating.  Not my fault or necessarily my problem, but those at fault and those whose problem it was, were not dealing with it well.  I fear the problems will become larger, not smaller and that caused stress.

But the crown jewel of the week was on Thursday.  I was confronted by the Executive Team.  There were/are concerned about me.  Their intention was kindness... and that is appreciated.  But there was another undercurrent there too.  Your personal shit is fucking with you at work.  You look like shit.  We know you are drinking way too much.  You represent this company and we are concerned about what that might like, if you go totally off the rails.

And just trust me on this, I've earned every word they said.  We are a small company.  They know what's going on.

And I'm trying very hard to take what they said as it was intended.  As, we care about you, but you need to get it together.

It was a kick in the gut.  It hurt, because no one likes to confronted like that.  It scared me, because I've worked hard to build a career there.  And it made me feel really awful about myself, because everything they said was true and correct.

That's the bad news.  Now you know, it doesn't do me any good to pretend that it doesn't exist.