Blind Spots

I guess it is more than natural that a shock to the system like this, will cause one to really look at themselves.  I certainly have been doing that.

I stand by the observations I've made in past posts, but it is becoming increasingly clear that I have some blind spots.

I still believe that I came out of my last divorce as better a person, in the ways I've described.  But I've the ignored the fact that during that marriage, I  had quit smoking and basically quit drinking.  Not that I went to meetings or anything like that, it just didn't fit where I was with 2 little kids in the house.  (Of course those little kids are now 16 and almost 23.)  But within months of moving out, I was smoking and drinking again.

The smoking was a mistake.  Word of advice, if you quit smoking... do not date or worse yet live with a smoker.  Just saying.

The drinking is more complicated.  And I'm uncomfortable talking about, even here.  I want to be honest with you, but I fear I'm not real honest with myself.  There is a very fine line between self-evaluation and self-justification.

If you were to ask my soon to be 2nd ex-wife, I have no doubt, that she would tell you that the issue was drinking.  And that pisses me off, because when someone says something like that, it evokes certain images.  Images of someone keeping booze stashed around to get a nip when no one is looking.  Someone who disappears on benders.  Someone who misses work after a bender.  Someone who starts their day with a drink.  I've known a person or two like that, and it is horrific.  But that's not me.

That is usually where my thought process ends, telling myself that I'm not like those guys.  But, I do drink too much.  I drink too often.  And more often than is reasonable for someone who has been out of college as long as I have, I get shitfaced.  Blackout/pass out drunk.  Every day?  No.  Every 6-8 weeks?  Well, maybe.  I do it in my own home.  I never drive when I've had even one drink.  I tell myself that I'm blowing off steam.

And that's how it starts.  Blowing off steam.  And then I feel relaxed.  Relaxed, is not something I feel that often.  It feels good, so I drink some more.  And then at some point, my brain is impaired enough, that I go on auto pilot and keep putting them in me.  That's not what I set out to do, but it's what I accomplish.

And I can understand why that bothered her.  I really do.  Early on, we talked about it.  I asked for some gentle nudges, 'maybe that's enough'... kind of statements.  Instead, when I look back, I can see the exact moment in any given evening where she writes me off.  And please understand, it is not like she didn't have a drink in her hand while she was writing me off.  And I know, it was not her job to fix me, but if this bothered her so much, I still don't understand her unwillingness to work with me.  I know that this was not the whole of the problem.  Her inability to open up, to truly commit, to communicate would have blown this up sooner or later.

But that doesn't mean there isn't an issue here.

I don't think I need to quit and go to meetings.  I might be wrong, but I don't think so.

I honestly don't think booze is the problem.

I think I am.  I think I've never really learned how to cope with stress.  I think that I use booze to compensate for that.  For the years I didn't drink, I still got completely undone with stress, I just had different bad reactions to that.

I'm afraid that this is a bit of immaturity on my part.  I think I need to address it.  I think I need to learn to cope with out a crutch.

I'm not sure how exactly that works.  I know that in the mean time, I really need to dry up a bit.  But quitting drinking only to find some other crutch, as I have in the past, doesn't really solve the under lying problem.

Or maybe I'm just deluding myself.

The point here, is that I've had some large blind spots, this isn't the only one, but it is the most significant.

I truly want to make myself better.  It is always the goal.

I guess, throwing off the blinders and looking at all of the issues, gives me more opportunities for improvement.

I'm probably talking in circles here.  And I'm not asking advice.

I guess what bothers me is this.  If she wrote about this, from her perspective.  And you read it.  Would you be commenting and saying things like, Good job girl, you didn't have to live like that.

I'm afraid maybe you would.

This isn't about me and her.  There is no me and her.

This is about understanding myself and trying not to end up in this place again.  Because I never want to be here again.

Please don't judge.  Please don't sugar coat it.  Please just understand that I'm trying to work all of this out.  If I simply left this at: she's nuts and I hate her, I wouldn't be looking at the whole of the issue.

And I wouldn't be able to fix what I need to fix.