About last night.

Last night was bad.

Anyone that reads the previous two posts could see that. I was tempted to delete them, but I guess this little project of mine is about documenting this, whatever this is, so I left them up.  Although, I did edit them for clarity.

Yesterday, at work was okay.  Not great, not awful... just okay.  I actually didn't drink anything Sunday night and got a fairly decent night sleep.

After work, I had to run to the dry cleaners, the grocery store and of course the liquor store.  Somewhere between the grocery store and the liquor store, my chest tightened.  I think what I was feeling was the beginning of a huge cry.  The huge ugly cry that has been evading me.

A huge ugly sobbing cry while driving seemed like a really bad idea, so I tamped it down.

I got home, unloaded the groceries and talked to the boy about his day.  I packed up 2 beers, some brats and everything else I needed to grill dinner and went down to the courtyard.

I've grilled dinner most nights for the last 2 plus years.  12 months out of the year.  It used to be my downtime after work.  She and I would go down, enjoy an adult beverage (or two), talk about our respective days and unwind in the nice quiet garden courtyard and grill.  That particular amenity was one of the reasons I chose this place to live.

Now grilling is a form of torture.  I sit there alone, and wait for the meat to cook.  I sip my beer and look at my phone.  I text people to check in and try have some interaction.  It seems like there were always people around when we were down there, but since she left (5 weeks 4 days) there is never anyone down there.  Maybe it is the heat, maybe it is time of year that people take vacations, maybe it is that the alone is so very loud that it seems emptier.

I grilled the brats and had dinner with the boy.  Had another beer.  Talked to him for a bit after dinner.  Had another beer.  And a gin spritzer.  He went to bed.  I texted/chatted with a few folks.  Had another beer.  And another spritzer.  Folks started dropping off from texts and chats.  Of course they did.  This was time that unbroken people go to bed.

I had another beer.  That tightness in my chest returned, but no tears.  Just anxiety.

I sat there and drank my beer.  And another beer.  I could picture it.  This was the rest of life.  Sitting alone.  What would happen in a few years, after the boy was out of high school.  He'd leave too.  And there I'd be alone.  The anxiety grew to panic.  And I had another beer.  No one is ever going to want to be with me.  This was going to be the rest of my life.  Drinking and being alone.  My heart rate rose with the panic.  I smoked another cigarette and posted the first post.  And drank another beer.  Posted my second post.  Smoked another cigarette.  Drank another beer,

For those keeping score at home, that's ten beers, two spritzers. And for clarity, and because I'm a snob... these aren't Miller Lite's that I'm drinking.  They are craft IPAs.

I collapsed into bed sometime after 3 AM and passed out.

I slept past the 5 AM alarm.  I don't even know why I set that one anymore.  I slept past the 6 AM alarm.  I woke up at 20 till 8.  I have no idea what woke me up.  Maybe some sort of self preservation instinct.  I honestly do not know how I've managed not to fuck up and sleep through work.

4 hours of shitty drunk sleep and here I am at work.

The worst thing is, this is starting to feel normal.  I don't want this to be my normal.