The good news

As promised, now I'll give you the good news... as it were.

It might be silly to have broken this into two separate posts, but I work in sales and marketing.  I spend a lot of time making sure that messaging is clear and concise.  And it was important to me that both the negative and positive were expressed.  So two posts it is.

Yesterday, I had kind of an important revelation.

I realized that I wanted things to get better.

I can hear you thinking, of course you wanted things to get better.  But you are wrong.  Until yesterday, I did not want that.

Oh, I hoped things would get better.  I wished things were better.  But I was passive about it.  I had no interest in doing anything to make things better.

This is hard to articulate, although I suspect I have at least one reader who will get it.

I resisted the idea of making things better, because that would be an acknowledgement that this is the way it is.  Hell, any idiot could see how it was.  I signed the goddamned papers.  It couldn't be more clear.  But I didn't want this.  I didn't ask for it.  It happened to me, in many ways.  So, I kind of refused to accept it.  And if I went and did things that would help me "move on" and "feel more complete" and "establish my own independence," that would be accepting that this is where I was.  For six weeks, I resisted that to varying degrees.

I understand how utterly stupid that sounds.  But it felt as though if I just resisted all of it.  If I waited it out. It would go away.  I don't know, perhaps some magic would happen that would make me realize that this didn't hurt me at all.  That this is just what I wanted.  Or maybe, somehow, she'd call or show up at my door or I'd run into her.  And then somehow, I wouldn't be mad, I wouldn't hate her, and everything could be fixed.

The logical part of my brain understood that none of that was going to happen.  But it took the emotional part, a good long while to catch up.

And, for whatever reason, I woke up yesterday and said to myself, I've got to move on.  I've got to get better.

There is no magic bullet here, I know I won't just hop to and get shit done and move on.  But for the first time, I actually want to.

And I've got work to do.

I've starting cleaning up this place, not that it was awful, but there are some things that haven't been touched in a while.  I deep cleaned my bathroom.  I completely caught up laundry.  Still to do, clean floors and deep clean the kitchen.

I need to run.  At least 3 times a week.  At least 10 miles total per week.

I need to figure out how to re-arrange some things in my house, to fill some strange gaps where her shit is no longer.

I need to decorate my bed room.

I need to get a handle on this drinking thing.  I mean I really need to.

I need to find a routine, especially in the morning.  I can no longer wake up and just fuck around on my phone until it's time to jump in the shower.  Hell, some days I don't even have coffee until I get to work.  That's fucking nuts.

I need to stop avoiding life and start living it.
I need to stop being afraid.

I need to figure out exactly who I am and where I want to be.

I know that after my first divorce, I came out the other side different.  I mean, I'm still stuck being me, but I was more confident, I wanted to be more social and I was willing to take more risks to get where I wanted to be.  I was a better me than before I met her.

I want to be an ever better me, this time.  I just need to figure out who that is.