Incomplete

Sometimes, when I talk or write about this thing, I feel like a total loser.

Woe is me, my wife left me.  Boo hoo, I can't eat, sleep or drink like a normal person.  Whaa, I'm all alone.

I'm not a whiner.  I don't care to complain about things.  But this is sometimes all I can talk about.  It has to be wearing thin on people.  That is, I think, my biggest reason for writing about it.  No one has to read this.  If you do, awesome.  If you don't, it makes no difference.  I need to sort this out.  And maybe by writing about it, I get it out enough that I stop burdening the people around with my tales of sorrow and depression.

It might be working, it is hard for me to tell.

Yet, I'm not a whole person right now.  Not because she was some integral part of my being and that I'm incomplete without her.

It's more that destroyed parts of me with her abrupt and cruel exit.

She destroyed my trust in people.  For maybe the first time in my life, I find myself wondering if the person I'm talking to is being honest with me.  I trusted her completely, and I have no idea how much of my life was a lie.  And for how long.

She destroyed my confidence that if you are a good person and try to do the right things, that everything will work out.  Now I question the outcome of everything, and worry that I can't do anything to make it better.

She shattered my self image.  I've always thought that I'm good, caring person.  That I have a personality that people enjoy, despite my quirks.  That I'm open and honest and will assess any situation on merits, not on preconceived notions.  But is any that true?  If it is, why would she leave? Why would she leave like that?

She's stolen my self esteem.  If I can be discarded so easily, then maybe it is because I'm simply not worth that much.

She ruined my drive.  I worked hard.  I fought for (metaphorically speaking) those I cared for.  I took steps to be successful, in my career, in my marriage, with my friends and family.  I always strove to be a better person.  I still want those things, but I'm having a really hard time doing what it takes to make any of it happen.

And she's killed my focus.  I've had many people point out to me, that when I put my mind to something, look out, because it is going to happen.  Now, I feel as though I have the attention span of a squirrel and I can't make anything happen.

I know that I will be able to rebuild those parts of me at some point.  I didn't come that way and I built it before.  And that knowing that I did once, should help to me do it again.  So, please spare me the rah-rah you can do it bit.

Because right now, I cannot.  Maybe tomorrow, maybe in month.  But not right now.  And this bothers me deeply.  It makes me scared to let any one into my life again.  What if they tear me down too.

Having said all of that, that's not the point of this particular missive.  The point is I'm trying.

I'm not doing that well, but I'm trying.  I've managed to not get hammered the last two nights.  I've slept fairly well, and besides, I was never good at sleeping.  I went for a run with folks from work, yesterday evening.  It wasn't a good run, but I did it.

I have a happy hour tonight with two old buddies.

I signed up for a stupid dating site.  I'm not trying to meet anyone right now.  I know I am not ready for that, although I wish I were. But it is comforting to see that there are attractive and interesting people out there that I could meet.  There are also the other kind, the damaged, broken and sad types.

It is interesting to me how differently I read these profiles than I used to .  Things like, "need to have my own space," and babbling about travelling all over the world, and chicks who are focused on being the moment and doing yoga, would have all sounded interesting to me in the past.  And it is not as though there is anything wrong with these things.  But now I wonder what else is going on that makes you lead with these things.  "I love the beach!"  Complete with beach pictures.  But not much else.  I love the beach too.  Everyone loves the fucking beach.  But, really?  There is no other part of your life that you'd like to express?

This is largely a reaction to her.  And honestly, the woman I lived with for a time before I met her.  They projected things.  Woman before her projected beach, yoga, serenity and happiness.  She was sad, put up walls to everyone and was generally a miserable person.

And her.  She projected poise, intelligence, a love for animals and nature.  She projected a laid back easy going persona.  She was (and I suppose is) bitter, judgmental, impatient and intolerant.

And both of them were loath to communicate.  Both of them, at some point, said something along the lines of, "Why do you need to talk about everything, what good does that do?"

Bare with me, I know I'm rambling more than normal, but I think I'm coming to a point.

I've learned something here.  People, women in particular (as it relates to who I might date in the future) who project these simple one dimensional things about themselves may very likely be doing so to cover up for their deep scars and general damage.  Old me, would find that last statement distasteful.  Old me would want to help them.  Old me believed that no one was permanently broken.  Current me thinks that maybe it is permanent, maybe it is not, but I don't want to be with some one like that.  That's been most of the last 20 years for me.  3 women, all damaged, all unable to accept me.  Even though I accepted them completely.

I hope that every damaged person out there gets better.  I really do, I'm in their ranks at the moment. But, and this is new for me, it is not my job to fix them.

I need someone who knows what they want, where they are in life and willing to work and compromise to get things done.  Some one who can talk about shit without locking into a fixed position.

I'm not ready yet.  But I'm developing a picture of the kind of person that will not put me through this again.

I'm not whole.  But I'm trying.