Haze

Yesterday was better.

In spite of my lack of sleep, I got some stuff done at work that I'd been putting off.

I grilled dinner and hung out with my son.

I went to bed at a reasonable time and got almost 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

You'd be forgiven for reacting to that by thinking, that sounds great, good for you.

You'd also be wrong.

There's no more drama left to this situation.  Except any drama I inflict on myself.  There are no bombshells waiting or revelations to come.

This is how it is.

I went out this morning for a cigarette.  The sky was blue, the humidity was low.  By just about anyone's account it was a beautiful morning.

It didn't feel beautiful.  It's like the whole fucking world is has some sort of gray filter on it that sucks the life, color and energy out of everything.

I'm not sad.  At least, I don't think I am.  I'm not happy either.

It is sort of like I stopped 5 weeks and 4 days ago.  The world kept going, time passes and things happen.  But I'm no longer a part of it.  I sit just outside of it.  And the more time that passes the more out of sync I become.

I do have small moments of normalcy.  Even a few of happiness.  But once those moments pass, I realize, oh yeah, this where I'm at.  And then I'm back in this hazy version of the world that everyone else in living in.

And I know I'm being selfish.  I know that others have it hard too.  Plenty have it worse.  My fucked up reality isn't all that unique or tragic.  I'm healthy, I'm successful and there are people who care about me.  But that doesn't seem to matter.  Everything is still just stuck.  I'm stuck.

I still try to figure out where she is.  I still try to unravel exactly when she decided that she was going to do this.  I still wonder how she is managing on her own.  Or is she even on her own?  I still see ghosts.

The closest I have to anything resembling motivation, is the knowledge that I will see her in court at some point.  I'd love to look great and seem awesome.  I'd like her to see me and feel regret.  Deep earth shattering regret.

She's not coming back.  I shouldn't want her back.  (But some times I do.)  But she could be as miserable as I am.  She ruined my life.  It would give some sense of... satisfaction isn't really the right word... perhaps justice... if she had ruined her life too.  That her bull headed rash and cruel decision to just go, hurt her as much it hurts me.

I can't stomach the thought that she fixed her issues by jettisoning me.  And I know her well enough to know that she probably didn't.  But she may not realize that yet.

If this is reality, then so be it, but I hope that at some point she wakes up and says to herself, oh god... I fucked up!

Because she did.  What ever her selfish beef was, it was fixable.  And now it is not.

And I need to find away to get unstuck, but everyone tells me that will just take time.  What I am supposed to do during that time.  Had do I not become completely undone?

I know that no one has the answers to that.  So I guess I just keep going through the motions in this haze.