I'm sitting here at work feeling drained and unproductive.
I seem to remember that when things got me down, that I would throw myself into my work. Now, that doesn't seem to be working for me.
This last week, these last ten weeks, have taken so much out of me.
I lack energy, I lack drive and I lack focus.
Everyone, and I mean everyone is telling me I need to talk to some one, professionally. Therapy. They are, of course, right about that.
I have done some googling and have a name and number of someone who seems good. But making that call terrifies me.
I need the help, but that has to include some serious here is what is wrong with you, you have to fix it. Stop this. Start that. Get a fucking hobby. I don't know. I'm scared.
Sitting on desk right now, is a Writ of Summons to respond to the Complaint for Absolute Divorce. I have to figure out exactly what that means, but a quick google on that says, maybe I don't have to do anything. And this fucker just plays itself out.
I hate being here. I hate that I am alone.
Yes I have a son, yes he lives with me. I don't even want to think about what it would look like if that wasn't the case.
I've tried to build a life with some one. Twice. Married the first time in 1999. 18 years ago. No life built. I was 27 years old. I was young. Now I'm middle aged. Professionally, I've come a very long way. Personally, I've gone backwards, somehow.
So, yeah, talk to someone. They can't give me 18 years back. They can't erase the failure. They may point out that maybe I'm the problem here. That I need to be better. That I'm a fuck up. Oh, they say it nicer than that. But that's going to be the theme. When I was a teenager and a young adult, I went to some sort of therapist. And maybe I'm remembering it wrong. But I feel like that was always where it went. "Your choices have created these issues." Thanks. I got that. Make better choices, why didn't I think of that.
Okay.. it probably won't be that bad.
But still. It scares me. It depresses me that I can't just, you know, move on. I need someone to give the advice that I already know.
Do something for jeckles. Focus on yourself. Quit drinking yourself to sleep.
I truly don't see how hearing that from someone else, is going to make these thinks make more sense to me.
I know, I'm stubborn. And proud. No, I'm not worried about any stigma. It is 20 fucking 17. I get it.
I just don't like that is me. I don't like that none of this gets fixed. I have to accept shit and be mindful and present. Or whatever the hell they say these days.
I'll make the fucking call. I'll go and spend money I can't afford on this. But I have no faith that it will do a damn thing. But I don't know what else to do, so I'll do it. I hope I'm wrong.
4 comments:
If you honestly, and truly, believe that therapy will not help, then don't waste the time of the therapist. Because you are correct, the work is all going to fall on you. You will be required to look deep within yourself, to locate and identify issues that may stem all the way back to childhood, and then you're going to have to figure out a way to let those things go.
Unfortunately, in situations like the ones we find ourselves in, it is easy to turn our anger at the other person in word toward us. Because if we accept the fault, blame, wrongness of it all, then we don't have to see the other person as their true self. And because likely, we've been doing it the entire relationship.
The problem with this is that we are not solely to blame. Sure we have our own issues, our own problems, our own subconscious baggage, all of these things contribute to the decisions we make, good or bad. That said, one person cannot do the work for both people in the relationship. And sadly, if we carry so much personal baggage that for whatever reason is the other person simply deems us as too much, not worth their time, i'm deserving of them in their participation, then we have course internalize that as well. Even though those were decisions made solely by the other person.
I've done a lot of self reflection over the last 46 days. I revisited childhood trauma, I opened my mind to what I formally believed was hokey pokey bullshit also known as meditation, mindfulness, being present in the moment, blah fucking blah blah.
And I read so many books I could probably fucking write one. My situation is slightly different in that I'm dealing with a narcissist, cluster B personality. So there is no rhyme nor reason to his actions, and I can take some small amount of comfort in knowing I legit did everything I could and it still would've never been enough. I'm currently working on acceptance. Accepting the fact that I will never have all the answers, accepting the fact that I will never have the closure that some people get when a relationship ends. Accepting the fact that as much as I want to play the victim card, I can't. Because I made choices too. I chose to stay with a cheater, I chose to stay with a liar, all of my fears of abandonment, feelings of unworthiness, feelings of not being loveable, all of these were unhealthy emotions that I in turn projected. Resulting in my codependency on a bad person in a bad situation.
It is a bitter fucking hard pill to swallow, to admit our own flaws and shortcomings. And while I thought I had dealt with all of my issues of childhood trauma years ago, and then again when I blogged about them and released them out to the universe, I was wrong.
So now, the work begins on me. And to get over these feelings and emotions that continue to wreck havoc on my days and nights, I'm willing to do nearly anything. So if that means getting right with nature, spending time alone with my thoughts, and my overactive brain, sitting crosslegged on a pile of weeds chanting OM over and over and over. I might feel like an idiot in the beginning, but dammit I'm going to do it. Because one thing I do know deep down inside, is if I never want to go through this again, the work begins with me. Because once I remove my need for outside validation, I remove the opportunity for another person to take advantage of me the way that Troy did.
If I have learned anything, it is that having information that explains both mine and his actions, is not enough to fix anything.
I'll be the first to admit that I have turned into a lazy motherfucker. I don't like exercise, I don't like to be constantly on the go, I like being in my house, I like being sedentary. These are learned behaviors, so now I just have to unlearn them. I have to somehow motivate myself. And that's hard. I have a basement full of gym equipment, all I've managed to do so far is commit five minutes of squats in my bathroom in the morning. The struggle is real.
Jeck, you know what you have to do. It's not going to be easy, it's not going to be pretty, it will mean identifying and admitting and accepting your flaws and shortcomings, and when you're ready to do that, you'll be better for it. I still struggle with the idea that I am the failure. Because I couldn't make my relationships work, I couldn't make Troy happy and want to stay married to me and faithful to me. I couldn't make my mom love me enough to not send me to foster homes over and over. I couldn't make her love me enough to choose me over her boyfriends who molested me and my sister. Only now, at the ripe old age of 48, do I finally admit and accept that it was not my job to make any of those people love me. My job was to be me. The healthiest, happiest, best version of me that I know how to be. And that is the girl I'm trying to reclaim. And that is the guy you should try to reclaim also.
UB... you are articulate and elegant in all that you have said. And I needed to hear all of that. I'm proud of you in your efforts. And I need to make similar steps. Maybe I'll make you proud too.
Post a Comment