Acceptance

I've struggled over the past few days to describe my feelings about therapy.  I know I haven't expressed myself well, from the reaction I get from people.

They keep making points that I am not arguing with.

I guess I wasn't real sure what was my issue was either.

After chatting with a friend yesterday, I feel that maybe I can articulate this better.  God I hope so.

I know I need help.  I know I can't do this on my own.  I know that I've been through a trauma.  And I know that I have issues that pre-date that trauma.  All of these are good reasons to talk to a professional.

But the thought of it sends me into a panic.  It makes me angry and scared.

Here's why.  If this is to work, I'm going to have to accept some things.

I'm going to have to accept that:

She left, she's gone and I'm alone and I'll never really understand why.
I was far from perfect and played a role in this failing.
I'm now a single dad and anything that happens around here is on me.  Me only and no one else.
I have a responsibility to take care of myself.
I'm responsible for for my own happiness and no one else is.
I will have to deal with my own issues about self worth and cannot avoid that by transferring those issues to work, friends or family.
That I may be alone for some time.
That I may never have the kind of relationship that I've always coveted.
That this may just be as good as it gets.

It is amazing that I know all of these things, with out really accepting them.

And that is what scares me.

I hate those things.  I resist accepting them on many levels.  And if I don't want to miserable forever, I'm going to have to accept them.

And that is work.

Amazingly, a large part of me would be willing to be miserable just to avoid those truths.

But this is what I have to do.

And I am angry about it.  I've worked hard over the years to make improvements to myself and my situation and yet here I am.  The utter unfairness of it pisses me off.  (In spite of my own opinions about fairness in general.)

So I'll make the call tomorrow.

And then... well I don't really know.

But I can't live like this any more.  I can't stand the constant exhaustion, the feelings of despair, the fragility, any of it.

So I guess I need to accept some shit.  And since i don't really know how to do that, I'm going to need some help.

And I'm scared.