Motivation

Yesterday after work, I ran with the group that is doing a running a challenge at work.  I've done this for the last four Wednesdays.  Yesterday, I was the best run I've had since... well you know.

Before she left, I was running two or three times a week, doing between 4 and 5 miles a run.  She left and I didn't have the will to run anymore.  But I did the Wednesday night run, because it was partially my idea, and I felt committed.  In retrospect, a running challenge in the middle of the summer was a bad idea.  Trying to run in 90 degree heat is hard for anyone.  The first 2 weeks, I walked more than I ran around the 2.4 mile loop.  Last week I did better, but still nowhere near where I'd like to be.

This week, I ran the whole loop.  Well, 2.2 miles of it with a cool down at the end.  I had an average pace of 13.25 min/mile.  It felt good.

I went home.  And was alone.  My son is with his mom until Sunday.  It had starting raining, so I turned on the TV and binge watched whatever.  And carbo-loaded on frozen burritos, ramen and popcorn.  Netflix, with its start the next episode thing, is bad for me.  I want to know what happens next almost I much I enjoy the story I'm watching.  I binged until after midnight.  It took me an hour or so to fall asleep after that.

It seems that without a wife (or a cat) to gives me cues, I don't know when it is bedtime.  I guess that this comes from being in relationships for the last two decades.  Anytime my wife or girlfriend was away, it was an excuse to stay up late, maybe watch something that they didn't care for, maybe hang out with a buddy.  I'm going to have figure out bed time.  I know it shouldn't be that hard, but as a life long insomniac, it is challenge.

I know what I want to do, at least the small things in the short term.  But finding the motivation to do it, is hard.

I think I'm going to buy a new suit this weekend.  I've needed an upgrade.  The synthetic off the rack one I own now, does not present who I want to be right now.  It works, but I want better.  I've put it off for a while now, there was always something else that needed the money.  But Nordstrom's is having a sale this week, and I think I'll be able to get a thousand dollar suit for half that.

Where did this thought come from?  It was thought of having to see her in court, that put it in my mind.  Yeah,  I want to her look at me and think, wait that's new... it looks good... he seems like he has his shit together.  And maybe, she'll see me looking good and feel some regret.  I'd like her to feel a lot of regret.

But that is not the only reason.  Like I said, I've got use for this professionally.  I have a very important event coming up in October that I'd like to really be sharp for.  And I've long believed in the whole dress for success thing.  Taking the effort to dress up, puts me in a good mindset to be my best.  And if a new suit puts me in the mindset to survive a divorce hearing, I guess that's worth even more than maybe causing her regret.

Besides, I need to have and do things that are new.  That aren't what I have always been doing, only lonelier.

Also on my list.  Vacuum and clean the faux hardwood floors.  Once I do that, I can put a yoga mat down and leave it there.  So that I can do a full yoga routine, or just a few sun salutations.  This will help with the running, I need to be able to loosen my hips and hamstrings in between runs.  I have not been able to that before.  (Leave the mat out, that is.)  The cat would have made short work of the mat.

There are more, little things like that.  And some bigger ones.  Smoking.  Drinking.  I hate the fact that I smoke.  I hate that I am help captive by the addictive chemical cocktail that Big Tobacco has worked so hard to perfect.

But, I'm barely keeping it together as it is.  Would adding nicotine withdrawal to the mix, put me over the edge.  I don't know.

My world is upside down.  Nothing feels right anymore.  I can't put it back to the way it was.  So I guess I need to figure out what that world will look like when I turn it right side up again.

There are moments, where I am tempted to double down on every stupid thing I do.  Why not, I've got no one to impress.  I've got no one to judge me.  Maybe I should just be the cantankerous old bastard who drinks and smokes and doesn't give a shit what anyone says.

But more often than that, I want to be the guy who runs, does yoga and works out.  Who cares about his appearance.  Who is getting better in every way.  That's what I wanted before she left.  I see now, that some of my challenge  before was the absolute lack of support from her.

I started running last summer.  I'd never run more than 10 minutes on a treadmill before that.  She asked to join me.  We ran together in the morning, through the end of the summer and into November until the weather got too cold.  We ran four 5K's together.  In the spring when I was trying to get back into it, she wasn't interested.  Eventually I started running with out her.

After my runs, she'd give me the whole I'm proud of you, good job thing.  But a certain moment sticks out my head.  In April, I had pushed a little too hard, and banged up my knee.  Nothing serious, but I did have to take a week or so off from running.  While hanging out with friends, my buddy asked me if was I still running.  I told him yes, but I had to take a week off.  She added, with some serious tone in her voice, yeah... he thinks he can run five miles.

That's what she really thought.  Not, good job, honey!  But, you stupid asshole, pretending that you can do this.

She may have said the right things, most of the time.  But I think I felt what she was holding back.  I didn't understand it, but it demotivated me.

I can't stress how important the running is to me.  I chose to do that very strategically.  If I'm running and getting better and want to do even better... then quitting smoking makes senses.  If I'm planning on running at 5:30 AM the next day, I have a reason not to imbibe.  The running itself is one of the few times that I'm not thinking about everything.  I'm just doing.

So fuck her for not seeing that.  And fuck her for not caring or believing in me.

She's gone now, so that particular problem is no more.  But, I don't know what my motivation is right now.

But I am working on it.