Fear and Loathing

I'm not okay.

I've spent the last month trying to convince myself that I was.  Pretending that I was.

I'm not.

My day to day level of  'okay' is paper thin and fragile.

I've never been great at coping.  Now, I'm fucking incapable of it.  I hate being this fragile.

Any little thing throws me.  I'm 'okay' to train wreck in sixty seconds.

My new friend... my date... isn't ready for whatever.  That was a rejection.  I re-lived all of the emotions of that cunt... my second wife... leaving me when I got that news.

Yeah, I know, I'm not ready either.  Yeah, I know, at least she is being up front and honest.

That's not the point.

She sent me a message two hours before our date telling me that.  And giving me the out to not still see her if  I didn't want to.  I saw her anyway.  She had the time of our date incorrect.  Which left me at a bar, by myself and stressing over this.  I think you see how this goes.

That little disappointment ruined me.  I embarrassed myself in front of her.  And if she had any sense, she would walk away from me.

She didn't.  And I'm grateful.  All of the emotional relationship bullshit, I really don't know how it will go.  Or how it should.  But I think she's a real friend.  And she's not saying no to anything more, just taking it slow.  Which again, objectively is how it should go.

I just want to be okay again.  I thought I was more okay than this.  And if you are bothering to read this, let me be as clear as I can, this is not about me being over invested in this first women who has bothered to be nice to me.  This is about my inability to sort my own emotions about anything.

I just want to curl up in a corner and cry.  I'm 45 years old and have not been able to build a life for myself.  I'm a shell of a person and I don't know how to be anything different than that.

And I can't even blame my soon to be ex-wife for that.  Part of why she left (the part that isn't the fact that she is a sociopath), is that she found it unfulfilling or something to live with a shell of a person.  I mean, that's supposition on my part, she didn't tell me shit.  But I think that is what it comes down to.

And all her leaving has done is to have exposed all that and left it raw.

I don't know how to fix that.

I don't even know where to start.

And don't fucking tell me to do shit for myself.  I don't know how.  I haven't done anything for myself in years.  I don't like me very much.  Saying that will inspire all of the helpful people to say, no one else can get close to you if you don't like yourself.

To which I say, no shit.  I get that.  But here I am, destined to be alone, because I can't resolve my own shit.

Honestly, I liked all this better when it was all her fault.

But to blame her for my sorry state is incorrect and not getting to the point of the matter.

I've told people that I can't remember the last fight we had.  Over the last week or two, I remembered.  I don't remember what the fuck she was yelling at me about, but something came up about how can I not take care of myself, drinking too much, smoking, being fat, burning myself out at work, whatever.  I responded in the heat of the moment with, why the fuck would I even bother to take care of myself, I'm not worth it.  And she said, I had no idea you hated yourself that much.

I thought at the time, that maybe her understanding that about me, would help her to have some empathy.  I think, now, that may have been the exact moment she decided to leave.

I'm tired.  I'm sick of being tired.