reality

I'm struggling to come to grips with how this reality is supposed to work.

Some stuff is simple enough to work out, go to work, cook dinner for the boy and myself, keep the place reasonable well put together.  Beyond that it gets fuzzy. There are things I think I should do.  I've mentioned those kind of things before.  They seem like things that should happen, but I kind of don't want to.

When I think about them in the abstract, they sound like good things to work on.  When it is time to actually do, I feel like no, not today.  I'm really not sure why.

I've known that the divorce has been filed, but I also knew I'd get no updates.  So, I've been checking the online court docket.  Today it showed up.  I looked at it.  Looked at the details.  And nothing.  Isn't that interesting.  I guess I'll be getting a summons at some point.  There was no emotional reaction at all.

I wonder about that too.  I don't miss her.  There are moments when I see something or read something and I reflexively think, I should tell her about... oh, yeah.  Fuck.  But there is no emotional reaction, just a little disappointment that this reflex still fires.  Did I care less about her than I thought?  Did I like the idea of it, more than the person?  If that is true.  Shame on me.  No wonder she was unhappy.  Or did the way she did this, burn those emotions right out of me?  I don't know.

But I don't miss her.  I don't like the empty spaces, but just because they are empty.  Maybe, at this point, I've just purged those emotions for my own self preservation.

Reality is hard.  It will not be denied.  Life marches on with or with you.  I'm trying to keep up, but I'm far from in step with it.

I have a date next week.  Now that is fucking real.  Some of you will perhaps think something like, dude, you are not ready to date.  Well, I'd argue that isn't quite accurate. I'm not ready to fall in love and try for happily ever after for the fourth time.  I don't know if I'll ever be ready for that.

But I'm sick of sitting in these empty spaces.  Working, taking care of my home, taking care of the kid.  And honestly, the last two, don't need that much from me.  That's a hollow life.  Some will say, go and do what jeckles wants to do.  I refer you to the first part of this post.  That isn't working for me.

So I have this date.  I didn't seek it out.  I've had a profile on the damned dating app, but all I've done with that is look at profiles and wonder, how did they get here, are they as happy as they claim, how the fuck does someone afford to travel to a different damned country every year?  I guess, for me, it has been online people watching, of a sort.

But Sunday, I received a message.  I've received a few, from people in far flung places who want to know if I will love them and respect forever.  If I understand the scam, they will hint that they might be able to become geographically closer, but they need help with money.  No thanks.

But on Sunday, this was just a question.  Followed by answer.  And then a comment and a reply.  And so it went Sunday, then Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.  Gradually, more personal information was gathered.  More insight.  And I realized, that I was enjoying the conversation.  It wasn't forced or contrived.

Does this girl seem to have some issues.  Yeah.  So does this guy.  Do I think we are in a similar place, yeah, I kinda do.  Could be a dead wrong and this is a bad idea, oh hell yeah.

But I decided I had nothing to lose, and suggested that maybe we should see if we actually liked each other as real people, in real life, in person.  She gave a me a maybe.  Asked some more pointed questions were mixed in to the now normal banter.  And then, Thursday, she suggested a place (happy hour) and a time (next Thursday.)  And I said, lets do that.

And then it was real.  Holy shit.  Very real.  I'm trying to take it in stride.  Just drinks and seeing if we like each other.  In real life.  And if we do, I'm not real sure.  I suspect that we both have an immediate and pressing goal in mind.  And I'm a guy, so I don't think I'll say no to that, unless there are blazing red flags everywhere.  But, after that?

I have no idea.  I think I can't have too many friends.  I think it is nice to have some attention paid to me.  Maybe there is a version of that, that actually works.  Maybe not.  But as the young folks say (or at least they used to, I have a hard time keeping up), shit just got real.

But I think the biggest upside may be this:  For the last 24 hours or so, my thoughts have been about what's going to happen, will she be who I think she is, will she like me, will it be fun or awkward or both?  Which is a nice change from why did this shit happen to me, what am I going to do, how do I fucking just get by?

It really is a nice change.