Why are you still here?

I'm tired.

I am truly pushing myself at this job.  I work 6 days a week, and do my best to stretch each of those shifts as long as I can.  This has gotten easier since they keep scheduling me to open.  I work the 7-9 hours that the openers work, and then volunteer to help through the dinner rush.  Since it seems that we have someone call out for every shift, and we are now into the Holiday movie season; they are happy to have me for another 2-3 hours. 

Last week (Friday to Thursday), I worked 58.5 hours.  For more fun, there was a nice little snow storm on Thursday and I was one of the very few people who was scheduled who showed up.  I worked 11.5 hours.  But they did put me in a hotel and gave me combat pay for being willing to be there in that situation.

This week,  I've worked 31 hours or so, with three more days to work.  I'm off today, but Wednesday and Thursday will be busy as hell (I'll easily work 20 hours on those two days).   My next day off will likely be the following Wednesday.

My fancy watch says I get over 25,000 steps every time I work.  (Yesterday I got 35,000.) That translates to at least 12 miles of walking (and jogging, in some cases) each day. I've traveled 60ish miles in that building since my day off last Wednesday.

It is a full workout.  I sweat, I huff and puff.  My feet, my quads and my back always hurt.  I don't eat at work.  I don't want to spend money on our premium priced food, and honestly, I'm always so hot when I'm working that the thought of eating is simply unappealing.  (I do, however, sometimes spend money on our premium priced beer at that bar after work.)  I come home and carbo-load on what ever leftovers are around and crash until I have to get up and do it again.  I've lost over 20 pounds since I started.

It is a lot.  Obviously, I'm trying to make some money, but there is more to it than that.  I feel like I'm driven to work as much as possible.  Like I'm trying to prove something.  I don't know what I'm trying to prove or why I feel like I have to.  That maybe isn't entirely healthy either. 

It might be that I can't shake this feeling that my life is not whole.  Things are missing.  My therapist kept telling me that I needed to work on self-care.  Ignoring the fact that self-care sounds like a euphemism for something that I've been taking care off since I was like 14, I have trouble with the concept. 

My entire adult life, I haven't really done things for me.  My motivation has always been others.  I can be very motivated to work to maybe someone else happy, or fulfilled, or something.  But I don't even know what I want, other than a few guilty pleasures.  Go for a drive somewhere and see something beautiful, has been suggested.  But why?  Without out someone to turn to and say 'wow, isn't that beautiful?' it's just me taking a drive by myself.  Take a walk, do something creative, take a class, workout, meditate.  I'm just not feeling it.

Work my ass off?  That I can do.  That I understand.  And at work I get social interaction.  With my co-workers, with the guests.  It's good.  Outside of work, I'm just a stranger in a strange town.  As I work my 9th, 10th or 11th hours, people ask me, 'why are you still here?'  I give them any number of snarky answers, but the truth is I have no where else to be.  I'm lonely.  And oddly, I'm more lonely than when I had practically no social interaction.  It is a combination of having a taste of interaction, snippets of conversations throughout the day and seeing people having fun together.

I think most of the people I work with went to high school together.  It is a small town on top of that.  Everyone seems to know each other.  I know no one.  On the one hand it is awesome that I am keeping busy and having a chance to interact with people, on the other it leaves me feeling isolated.  Some days it isn't a thing at all.  But the last week or so, I've been feeling it a lot.  Could I be friends outside of work with some of these guys?  Maybe, but mostly they are so young that I don't know that it works.  I fear that when they look at me, they see someone their parents age, not a potential friend.  Maybe that's how it should be.

I've never understood why no one ever says to me, 'hey I know someone you should meet.'  Whether that would be a potential buddy or a potential date.  I feel like people do this, they introduce people that think have something in common.  This is networking, right?

No one has ever done that for me.  My brother, my parents have been down here for 4 plus years.  They know lots of people.  Why don't they feel the desire to do that for me.  I've made it clear that I'm lonely and would love to meet people, but it doesn't happen.  Is that because they think I don't want that?  That I wouldn't like anyone that they know?  That they think that no one that they know would like me?

It's frustrating.  I could stand a local buddy.  Or date.  Or anything like a social life.  And sooner or later, I'll figure it out.  But it frustrates that no one wants to help a brother out.

So maybe that it is it.  Maybe I'm taking the lack of social life, the lack of things that I want to do for me and pouring it all into this job.  If I can't have those things, I can do more, do better and do longer at work.

I'm not convinced that this is bad thing.