Happy fucking holidays to you too

I worked today.

I guess you knew that if you read this thing.

Wednesday was crazy busy.  I loved it.

Today... it was busy-ish.  It made for a long day.  10 hours to be exact.  60 for the week.

I had an anxiety attack at work.  Not a total panic attack, but closer than is comfortable.

I'm not sure what started it.  Probably a combination of things.

Maybe a bit of Cindy Lou Who trying desperately to contact Santa, so that Santa can help her poor loving, hard working, single mom.

Maybe it was it was my co-workers being sad, angry, irritated that they had to be at work instead having a Thanksgiving they wanted to have.  In contrast to me, who was much happier to be there instead of having a Thanksgiving with my folks, brother, sister, their spouses, and normal families.

Maybe it was that work was at that moment providing us for free the Turkey dinner platter special.

Maybe it was just the exhaustion.

Once it started, I found myself short of breath and on the verge of tears.

And my mind raced.

Images of Thanksgiving when thing were normal.

Images of Thanksgivings when my son was with his mom and I was alone with my family.

Remembering my mom saying this week how much the cousins said they would miss my son when he wasn't there.  After she said had said it few different times, I joked that I hoped they'd miss me too.  Oh, she replied, they don't know you won't be there.

The fact that they planned and scheduled this year's festivities before they even knew when I would work or what my options were.

The fact that I knew the fridge was stocked with more beer than anyone who had a two hour drive afterwards needed.  And the surety that it would not be there (no doubt sent home with my brother and sister).  For the record, I was right.  I can have leftover turkey, but we aren't giving Jeckles any beer he doesn't buy.  (Edit: I'm an idiot.  The beer was in a cooler outside.  Maybe I was just looking for things to be grumpy about.)

All of these things and more, in snippets and out of order and over and over again.

I finally got outside for a smoke break and was able to calm my self down.  And when I checked the time, it was ironically 2 PM.  Just when my family was starting their meal.

I've felt drained and deflated since then.

I wish it had been busier.  Busy enough for me to be completely distracted.

No one will really understand why I really was happier to be at work today.  But I am certain that the anxiety attack I had work was nothing compared to what I would have had, if I had got to  spend Thanksgiving with my family.

I have a bunch of leftovers I could eat, but I don't even know if I want to.  (Maybe I'm just look for things to be upset about, but if I was hosting a thing and someone was going to miss it, I'd put together a plate for them.)  I might just have a beer or two and go to bed.   

Holidays suck and we are just getting started.  All the more reason to try to work 60 hours every week until January.  I'm already done with the holiday season.

I haven't enjoyed this time of year for a long time now.  I sincerely hope your Holidays are much, much better.