Curve balls (part two)

After the initial shock of my wife leaving me started to wear off, I became very concerned with the fact the I was alone.  It was clear that we were done, but I did not want to be alone.  A few months after she was gone, I dated someone else.  I ignored every red flag and proceeded, because the important thing was that I not be alone.

Well, all the red flags were real, she was not right for me.  (She wanted me to commit to marrying her after we'd known each other for less than three months.)  I'd lost the job by this point could not deal with this nonsense.  So I called it off.

Since then there has been almost nothing.  I swipe on Tinder or Bumble occasionally.  Maybe send a message on OKCupid.  But I am alone.

Recently, it has dawned on me that I'm kind of okay with that.  I'm shocked.  I never thought I'd be okay with that.  More shocking to me is the realization that I do not want a serious relationship right now.  I don't want to add that complexity to my life until I'm a little (or a lot) more settled.  I don't want to change things up in that way until my son graduates high school in the spring.

This is not to say I wouldn't mind spending some time with someone. I'd certainly like to have sex again.  But for the first time in decades, I don't feel like I need to someone to (forgive the cliche) complete me.

On the other side of the coin, it has also become clear to me that I am not really capable of being in a relationship.  I'm too fragile, too broken and too adrift.

I am so easily triggered.

The other night at work, it was fairly busy and I pulled a food ticket with three items on it.  Theoretically, you balance one on your arm, the next in that hand and the third with your other hand.  I'm not super confident in my ability to do that.  There were a few other runners around, so I asked if someone could give me a hand with the order.  One of them, a sweet little 19 year old, jokingly replied that she would help since I was so needy.  I grumbled, no thanks, managed to balance the plates and delivered the order.  As I walked away I could see that she was shocked at my reaction.

My ex made it clear that I am needy.  The woman I was with before her felt the same.

A sweet little girl made a joke that included the word needy and I immediately responded by overreacting and proving her wrong.

I am so easily triggered.

Can you imagine how often that might happen if I was even casually dating someone?

The fact is, I am not ready.  I don't like that, but it does seem to be the way of things.

It's been nearly 15 months since she left.  I hate that I am still so fucked up by this.  Most of the time, it doesn't matter much.  But late at night, I feel it.  When I see couples that appear to be so happy together, I feel it.

Occasionally, I interact with a women who I feel some small spark with... and you guessed it... I feel it.

Usually when I start writing, I have an idea what my point is.  I will confess that I have no idea what my point is here.

I guess the curve ball is that, surprise, I am okay without a relationship.

Yet, I am still missing something.  Online dating is not the answer.  Hell, I've had less than 5 matches on Tinder in all this time.  Woman, rightfully so, are so shell-shocked by the stupid and crude things that guys send that they create dozens of disqualifiers or they just give up.  I will not meet someone online.  It just doesn't work for me.

No one I know seems to be interested in introducing me to anyone, so that's out.

That leaves meeting someone organically.  And since I am in a new town, with no social interaction outside of work, that seems unlikely.

Sorry, I'm still struggling to come to the point.

I guess it is this.  I've grown enough to realize that I don't need to be in a relationship to be whole.  Yet, I wish that I could have find a way to have level of interaction, attention, affection or something like that.  I wish I could find a middle ground between being a relationship and being completely isolated.