I have the day off today. It is my first in ten days. I'm not complaining, I have pushed for more hours every day since I started this job. And I've succeeded. I worked 60 plus hours in that ten day stretch.
I think the managers think I'm a little nuts. They are used to employees who are more than ready to leave early. I volunteer to stay.
Part of it, obviously, is money. The more I work, the more I get paid. But it is more than that. When it is busy and everyone is hopping to get things done, I want to be a part of it. It makes me feel good to contribute to that success. I haven't experienced much success recently, and these little doses of success feel good. There is another reason, and in some ways it may be the most significant to me. My coworkers are the only people I know around here, excepting family. It feels good to be around people and these happen to be the people I know.
Don't get me wrong, it is not as though work is social hour. And those that know me well, know that I'm barely socializing at all. But I am interacting. I know their names and I'm learning their quirks. Some of them I think I like a lot. A few I could live without. But the fact of the matter is, they don't need to be my friends. They just need to be people that I can engage with on some level. I've spent most of a year, more often than not, isolated. And that has taken a real toll on me. Good, bad or indifferent, I crave human interaction.
And I believe that the increased interaction is having a positive effect. It certainly can't be hurting anything.
...
I've been listening to music on my drive to and from work. I'm guessing that most people listen to music on their drive. I haven't for a while. When things don't feel right for me (too much stress, anxiety, depression, whatever); I find that the music bothers me. The sound of it grates on me. I get too much inside my head. So instead, I listen to the news, talk radio or sports radio. The chatter is distracting in a good way. I get engaged with what they are saying instead of my own internal narrative. For the better part of three years that is what I've listened to in the car.
But last week, that wasn't working for me. So I changed the channel, turned up the volume and enjoyed the music. And have every day since.
Music is important to me. I can go on for hours about this band or that. About the evolution of music over time. About why this is great and that is not. It is emotional for me. Songs take me back to a place and time that I originally experienced them. New music speaks to where I am when I hear it. It is for this reason that I sometimes can't enjoy it.
So the fact that I am enjoying it now, for the first time in a while, is a very good thing. It's like my own emotional barometer. And it is telling my that the internal pressure system I've been living through has started to break up.
I guess all that says a bit about the state of affairs in my head. Which is something I intend to write about, but I haven't quite found the words yet.
So I have the day off today, and tomorrow I'll be back back it. Beyond that I don't really have a plan or know where I'm going or even where I should be. But at least I can enjoy the music in the meantime.
Wednesday, October 31, 2018
Monday, October 22, 2018
Here and now
Hi. I'm Jeckles, my 17 year old son and I live with with my parents. I'm twice divorced and I work at a movie theater. Life, to put it simply, hasn't turned out the way I thought it would.
If you would have met me 2 years ago, I would have told you that I live in a high rise apartment with my wife and my son. And that the view is incredible. That I was part of the leadership team team at an IT Services company. That I was optimistic about the future.
At the moment, I don't give much thought to the future. The present is more than enough.
I started the job Saturday. I trained as a food runner. Lots of running. And crouching while you carry the food. You don't want to block the screen. I've done food service before, and I picked this up pretty quickly. My body on the hand, is still adjusting. My feet and my back are killing me by the end of a shift.
My coworkers are half my age, or younger. I actually like working with the young folks. The have an energy to them, that many of us grown ups have lost. It took 5 days before one of them worked up the nerve to ask me how old I was.
I was worried that I would not get the kind of hours I wanted. That fear was unfounded. Some one always wants to leave early or take a day off. My first scheduled day off was Thursday, but I picked up a shift. I turned my Friday day shift into a 12 hour shift, helping with a busy night. Saturday I started training on ticket sales. That sucked. Extremely boring. I'd much rather do the running, my back be damned. And then, perhaps poetically, on Sunday I had off. I could have pulled a shift, but I decided that there are limits and I was better served taking the day. I was supposed to have Wednesday off as well, but I was able to pick a shift. My first 8 days, netted me 61 or so hours. 4 of them will be overtime. And on top of that, I traveled over 50 miles inside of that building, delivering hundreds of drinks, dozens of sandwiches and oh so much popcorn. This week (our weeks run Friday to Thursday) will mostly be ticket sales, I'm not looking forward to it. But I'm guessing I won't do that much once I'm officially trained. But it will give me one more position that I can pick up for more hours.
If it sounds like I've been a little over the top trying to get hours and learn the job, I probably have been. I have always tried to be the best at whatever I do. And while this job represents more than a little setback in my career, I still intend to excel at it. And the pay is nothing to write home about, but I will make absolutely as much I can while this is what I do.
It might not be a dream job, but honestly it is far better than sitting home stressing about why no one wants to hire me for the kind of job that I thought I deserved. Besides, I am 100 miles from the place that I still consider home, I don't know anyone here except family. My son is busy with school and video games and being 17. I literally have nothing better to do.
For the moment, this is what life looks like, and I'm going to give myself a little break from trying to plan for the future.
If you would have met me 2 years ago, I would have told you that I live in a high rise apartment with my wife and my son. And that the view is incredible. That I was part of the leadership team team at an IT Services company. That I was optimistic about the future.
At the moment, I don't give much thought to the future. The present is more than enough.
I started the job Saturday. I trained as a food runner. Lots of running. And crouching while you carry the food. You don't want to block the screen. I've done food service before, and I picked this up pretty quickly. My body on the hand, is still adjusting. My feet and my back are killing me by the end of a shift.
My coworkers are half my age, or younger. I actually like working with the young folks. The have an energy to them, that many of us grown ups have lost. It took 5 days before one of them worked up the nerve to ask me how old I was.
I was worried that I would not get the kind of hours I wanted. That fear was unfounded. Some one always wants to leave early or take a day off. My first scheduled day off was Thursday, but I picked up a shift. I turned my Friday day shift into a 12 hour shift, helping with a busy night. Saturday I started training on ticket sales. That sucked. Extremely boring. I'd much rather do the running, my back be damned. And then, perhaps poetically, on Sunday I had off. I could have pulled a shift, but I decided that there are limits and I was better served taking the day. I was supposed to have Wednesday off as well, but I was able to pick a shift. My first 8 days, netted me 61 or so hours. 4 of them will be overtime. And on top of that, I traveled over 50 miles inside of that building, delivering hundreds of drinks, dozens of sandwiches and oh so much popcorn. This week (our weeks run Friday to Thursday) will mostly be ticket sales, I'm not looking forward to it. But I'm guessing I won't do that much once I'm officially trained. But it will give me one more position that I can pick up for more hours.
If it sounds like I've been a little over the top trying to get hours and learn the job, I probably have been. I have always tried to be the best at whatever I do. And while this job represents more than a little setback in my career, I still intend to excel at it. And the pay is nothing to write home about, but I will make absolutely as much I can while this is what I do.
It might not be a dream job, but honestly it is far better than sitting home stressing about why no one wants to hire me for the kind of job that I thought I deserved. Besides, I am 100 miles from the place that I still consider home, I don't know anyone here except family. My son is busy with school and video games and being 17. I literally have nothing better to do.
For the moment, this is what life looks like, and I'm going to give myself a little break from trying to plan for the future.
Friday, October 12, 2018
What comes next
Today, for the first time in just about ten months, I went to work. Well, sort of. I showed up and signed some papers and got a quick tour. Tomorrow I will start work for real.
I'll be working at a movie theater. A cool theater that serves beer and food to you while you watch your movie. I'll be training to be a food runner.
15 years of Information Technology experience, followed by 5 years of business management experience and now this.
My resume sent to organizations beyond count. Dozens of calls. About a dozen serious in person interviews. And not one of them felt I was the best the fit for their organization.
I lowered my standards. I changed my strategy. I went on unemployment. And then those benefits ended. I moved me and my son to another state to live with my parents.
Two years ago I was confident and optimistic. Now, not so much. My family and friends want me to be look at this as a temporary situation. While I regroup.
I can't imagine a future that is different this. At least not permanently, In a six month period, my wife left without reason, my job, with a company I'd been with for over six years, was eliminated for reasons that don't make sense and my divorce was finalized.
Much of what was my life was taken from me with out warning or reason. I can't see ever believing that anything is permanent. The only constant is my son. He's 17. He will move in adulthood and own his life before that long.
I am excited to have the job. It will be nice to interact with other people. I haven't done that at all in months. I'll get to watch a lot of movies. I'll be able to afford gas and cigarettes without asking my folks for money. But I can only get so excited about a job that will pay me somewhere 10 to 20 percent of what I was making. I should end up just above the poverty line.
Of course, there is more to life than money. But it is hard to plan for anything without it.
I don't know what will happen next. But I am sure that there is nothing that can't be taken from me.
I'll be working at a movie theater. A cool theater that serves beer and food to you while you watch your movie. I'll be training to be a food runner.
15 years of Information Technology experience, followed by 5 years of business management experience and now this.
My resume sent to organizations beyond count. Dozens of calls. About a dozen serious in person interviews. And not one of them felt I was the best the fit for their organization.
I lowered my standards. I changed my strategy. I went on unemployment. And then those benefits ended. I moved me and my son to another state to live with my parents.
Two years ago I was confident and optimistic. Now, not so much. My family and friends want me to be look at this as a temporary situation. While I regroup.
I can't imagine a future that is different this. At least not permanently, In a six month period, my wife left without reason, my job, with a company I'd been with for over six years, was eliminated for reasons that don't make sense and my divorce was finalized.
Much of what was my life was taken from me with out warning or reason. I can't see ever believing that anything is permanent. The only constant is my son. He's 17. He will move in adulthood and own his life before that long.
I am excited to have the job. It will be nice to interact with other people. I haven't done that at all in months. I'll get to watch a lot of movies. I'll be able to afford gas and cigarettes without asking my folks for money. But I can only get so excited about a job that will pay me somewhere 10 to 20 percent of what I was making. I should end up just above the poverty line.
Of course, there is more to life than money. But it is hard to plan for anything without it.
I don't know what will happen next. But I am sure that there is nothing that can't be taken from me.
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